As the neurotic mess I have allowed myself to grow into, with the help of this fertile soil of anxiety and worry, I find it soothing to remind myself of a few quirky but never-the-less true lines found in the song:
"Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."
"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life... the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't"
These days in particular, I find myself incessantly repeating those excerpts in my head. This is not to say I have allowed the neurotic development of my being to expand into an iconic Woody Allen stature, but much more to do with the fact that those lines are probably more relevant than ever before in my life. I mainly say the first quoted section to myself when I start thinking about the latter quote.
Worrying about what to do with your life is probably something everybody does. However, I am in a particularly good position to do so. Having completely finished with education after successfully completing a diploma and a degree, I am left with the task of what to do with the rest of my life - the majority of it (one would hope). Ironically, I have the ideal job. I probably couldn't have asked for much better. Even more ironic perhaps is that they have completely stopped giving me any hours to work. I don't think I've been in the place for a few months now. As I heard a comedian once say while talking about Alanis Morissette's song 'Ironic', "Thats not ironic, thats just really shit luck". Yep, pretty much.
So is it ironic that while I have this well paid, dream job, I don't get any hours to make use of it - instead finding myself a new job carrying out monkey-tasks with spotty 17 year olds stacking shelves in a monotonous, tedious routine that destroys my soul? I can tell you, I am quoting those lyrics over and over in my head when I am working there, trying my very best to search for the silver lining around a cloud thats lost in a pitch black night sky.
The inner-bureaucracy of your run of the mill shit hole workplace is starting to make itself obvious now, in my second week there. I haven't worked in a place before that doesn't have any of that staff drama, so I had been waiting for signs of it since I started. Your general bullshit hierarchy of various members of staff displaying the immense power behind their magnificently over zealous job titles i.e "Head Line Duty Manager", as apposed to the regular 'Duty Manager' who will have to walk two steps behind the Head one and only get to tell half the people he does what isle needs urgent mopping. I always find, people with such positions in a workplace feel the necessity to randomly remind themselves and others what their job roles require them to do or say. For example, I could go into that place with my shirt not tucked in for weeks (such a crime), but one day will arise when said 'Line Manager' has nothing much else to do, he has already completed his incomprehensibly complicated daily chores of talking on two phones at once. He will then take the opportunity to tell me to tuck my shirt in. Rules are out there, I'm past my teenage angst driven rebellious phase long ago and know that you just gotta run with some rules to get through a day without an almighty scene arising, but I do despise rules which are enforced out of boredom, or someone randomly remembering they have to say these things.
Another interesting event has started to come up during my lunch breaks. I say interesting, I mean as amazing as it gets in a mind numbing grey hellhole. I tend to find that in that canteen, I am the only person who brings a book to read while the others look at the Page 3 boobs on the tabloid papers and catch up on which lower division soccer team swapped a player with some other club no one cares about either. Thats fine, what do I care who reads what, or who doesn't at all. However, I'd appreciate if everyone else felt the same and didn't feel it necessary to point out that I am reading a book, to me, the person who is clearly reading it and therefore should be very self aware of the observation.
An ex-marine works as security guard and I find myself coincidentally sharing lunch breaks with him. Some people feel it necessary to make conversation if only you and one other are sharing a small space. Personally, I don't suffer from such awkwardness and can very easily not feel the need to waste energy on pretending to care about how their day is. This guy finds that he not only has to make conversation and pretend to care how my day is, but also demand my amusement at his god-aweful jokes, farts and anecdotes. I can only 'fake-laugh' for so long before I just get very tired and irritated. Now I just look as deeply into the pages of my book as I can, and hope that if I refuse to crack a smile at his first few farts and terrible jokes that he will get the message. A very awkward event occurred while I practiced this new social prevention technique. He has cracked a few jokes, then cracked a few farts, then cracked a few jokes about the farts... then I cracked a window, but refused to laugh as planned. I could feel as I read that he was just looking over at me desperate for some kind of response. So, he looked at the tv for a bit, took note of a particularly idiotic character on screen then insisted on yelling to me "you know what I hate, stupid assholes maaaan! Yea haha, stupid assholes who like wouldn't know what a book was man. You could like throw a book at this guys face and he would be like, hey!? what is this maaan hahaha".
The very obvious attempt to try to find something to connect with me over was crushingly cringeworthy and I felt my toes curl and dig into my insoles as I held the book with a sheepish grin that reflected how sorry I felt for how much he is unwittingly embarrassing himself rather than the context of the statement itself. I actually almost felt like putting the book down because it was so obvious that the book I held seemed to be the prop for this whole unfortunate social disaster this guy had clumsily deployed in the room.
I used to worry I was becoming arrogant, snobbish or condescending. However, there is a line between being that, and just being observant about true idiocy and stupidity unleashed to the public through peoples ability to constantly out do themselves by bringing down the entire race.
Tomorrow I will work on the idea of happiness and being positive - maybe then I will write a blog that doesn't sound so angry. "SUNSHINE, LOLLIPOPS AND RAAAINBOWS LALALA!"
