Nothing is happening!

Weird.

Haven't been on here in forever. I kinda fear coming back. I am afraid I'll accidentally read a previous entry and it will make me implode with cringe. I only use this to vent angsty shit and to complain because I don't want to put anyone else through it. Then in retrospect it just becomes a gathering ground for moaning and whining I'd rather not hear myself do otherwise.

Thats odd.

Nothing else to report. I'm going through my mid life crisis at the age of 30 if that counts. I yearn to go back. Its gone now though. If I already want to go back now, what'll the next 10 years be like? Considering ageing increments of one decade at a time seems to be getting faster with each one.

Or maybe its just that I am realising I am 30 and in actual fact haven't progressed at all since I was about 20. In fact, maybe I am going backwards. I think so. Financially anyway.

Oh fuck this. Journal entries aren't helping either. Until next time!

A Terrible Tale; a Domestic Fail

A Diary Of Domestic Violence:

Drinking Too Much. Always.

My drinking worries me. 

I'm not an alcoholic, but as someone recently pointed out to me, there is a difference between substance addiction and substance abuse. I definitely suffer from substance abuse when it comes to alcohol! It's probably more to do with the frequency than the quantity. 

I see a lot of people who go out once a week and I would never drink the amount of shit they do. They be all firing shots of all kinds into them between pints of beer. I tend to just stick to Guinness when I'm in a bar - or wine if I am eating. I never touch shots anymore, haven't done for years. However, I will drink 6 - 8 pints when I am out! And I tend to drink Friday - Sunday, then usually get bored midweek and drink on a Wednesday too. Then I realise all I really leave out is a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Not good. 

After a weekend, my body and mind feels ravaged. Sickly, exhausted and tired, depressed, anxious, unsettled. It can't be good.

Despite saying it's more about the frequency than quantity - every once and a while I slip up and just get too wasted and have a horrible night that I can't remember and the parts I do remember I wish I never. 

Last night would be one of those nights. I'm not sure how it happened - I feel like it was much more drinking than normal but I wound up completely wasted. Sitting in the bar from 9:30pm to 1:30am and in a good drinking mood - I guess I was firing the Guinness into me quicker than usual. Then the Bar owner who is a friend gave me a shot of something random. Yea, I don't do shot's. I shouldn't. 

I vaguely recall leaving the bar. The barmen had phoned me a cab and I got in. That's about all I remember. I cringe now thinking about the possibility that I fell asleep. I don't even remember paying the guy. 

It gets worse. The only memory I have is being sick in the bathroom, and missing the toilet. Classy. I cleaned it up, probably because it sobered me up, and then went to bed. What I didn't realise was that I'd left a pizza in the oven. Don't remember doing that at all. Luckily I'd done something wrong and the oven hadn't turned on. Thank god. Imagine how that one could have ended. Yikes. 

Then the next day I found a half drank can of Guinness in the living room next to a bowl of have eaten stew, sitting out in the middle of the floor for everyone to see in the morning and think "What the hell was he up to last night in here?!".

I also found my hat this morning. Completely soaked. I wasn't out in the rain so I have no idea what the hell happened to it. Fell down the toilet perhaps? Lovely.

I have the FEAR. There is no other word to describe it - caught in this vulnerable state, at a time where you feel pathetic, disgusted, worried... sick. It really is one of those nights you think "I'M NEVER GETTING THAT DRUNK AGAIN!". But it'll happen again. I try hard to not have nights like that. I think they only happen once in a blue moon nowadays. I try to drink more sensibly, if not still too regularly. I see so many people in the bars I go to get into the state I was in last night and wonder how regularly they get into that shape. It can't be good for anyone. 

I wish I remembered. 

All I want to do now is have a good long drink-free week and then at the weekend just take it easy and only have a few beers. But that's just not going to happen. I have plans to go out to dinner with another couple tomorrow night. They're a nice older couple we know. They sure can drink a lot though. I must avoid drinking as much as they do. At the restaurant I'll try not drinking at all and then just having a few beers at the bar after with them. Then there's another thing I promised someone I'd go to on Saturday at the bar. This is all highly unnecessary right about now. 

I'm really tired - but I can't sleep because my mind is racing. God - everytime I think about the taxi I cringe. I probably fell asleep or talked rubbish to him the whole way. Ugh! 

Fuck this!!!!

On Facebook, I systematically 'un-friend' those who incessantly complain and bitch with every status update. Not only is it irritating, but it's way more irrelevant, trivial info than I will ever need to know about.

Reason to no longer blog Numero Uno.

I've been considering using this again. I've had one main problem with blogs, and vlogs, both of which I've tried. The problem is that when looking back at them, you can only cringe and curl your toes with the embarrasment of your own self pity and loathing. It's essentially a tool I've dabbled with using as a means to vent or simply have a good bitch. Thats alright I guess, but when all the moments are collected into one space - all the times you needed to bitch and whine are all put on one singular page, it  just looks like the website of a fucking anally spineless moan.

The only reason I contemplate posting is to do just that - my heads going to explode any day now with the abundance of shite that is building up in there from all angles - to which I have absolutely no outlet at the moment other than to run it all around inside my mind over and over again, allowing it to build into epic proportions beyond that which they should.

Then again, fuck it - it's more or less only me who's reading.

For a change, here's another update.

Its been a while since my last update. Semi-unemployed life is having its ups and downs.

I am reminded how frustrating it can be battling with the dole office to give me my money for being a lazy, useless bastard. The hungover queuing to sign a dotted line in front of a judgemental idiot of an office clerk. The screaming hoards of kids accompanying single mothers battling with pram logistics and the alien rantings and clamour of shell-suit clad foreign nationals. The atmosphere is usually filled with an air of humiliation, despair and irritable frustration leading you to further long for the end of this horrible endurance of grey protocol. To further prove my gluttony for punishment I have mostly been battling through this monthly procedure hungover.

I also got a lovely letter from them last week stating that they talked to my previous employer and found out that I actually left work of my own accord and so I could be cut off money for up to 26 weeks... which was nice :/

I'm hoping that this somehow passes by with no results or my entire plan of action is well and truly screwed.

Perhaps they will like to hear that I have more sound engineering jobs coming up within the next week or two.

I still haven't been able to find anywhere to live. Its pathetic that you now have to 'apply' to get a house. You can't just walk in and say 'I like this, I'll take it!'. I'm guessing that when they see a young unmarried couple's application against say an elderly couple's, our application wouldn't look so tempting.

I have found a guy who claims his reference will basically make sure I get the next house I apply to. It will be interesting to see if that works. He also has a house he is kind of offering me. Either way, I just hope something works for it is causing a strain on my life and causing more tension and general nagging from my woman.

As a result of this complete stalemate, there has been little-to-no need for any written updates of my mundane life. Needless to say this one is particularly un-thrilling. But I guess as the saying goes, No News Is Good News.

It is of no surprise then, that the only bit of news I can recall is my 30minutes of agony last night as a Sea Bass fishbone firmly lodged itself deep in my chest at the end of my Esophagus. There was a good few minutes where I was dreading the very real possibility of having to go to the A+E room at the hospital, and as I've done before, answer the very humiliating first question... 'Have you consumed alcohol tonight'...'Yes'... instant judgement.

After stuffing half a loaf of bread down my throat, something seemed to budge, thankfully. However, I am pretty certain it managed to really stab the life out of the spot it had been lodged in. Today, every time I swallow and food or drink, there is a sharp pain as it passes that spot. Its been really bugging me all day.

It was my 26th Birthday last weekend. The night before it, I went to my sisters house for a 70's themed party which she was holding anyways. Some mutual friends and some of her colleagues. It was quite good and I got extremely drunk and had to spend the night there. The next day, whilst very hungover, my parents took me out for a meal - which admittedly could have been better had I not been so hungover. I am pretty sure I drunk my way through it though. Yea... that's healthy.

I got a lot of little bits and pieces; some money, vouchers etc. From my girlfriend, a very large, but very luxurious office chair for my recording studio. I remember the time I was being told how I am promised a 42inch HD TV for my Birthday... but I guess complaining about such a thing would be outrageously materialistic and unappreciative of me.

Well, joyous joy, that is my life to date.

A Major Confidence Blow - The Plan's First Hurdle

Wow, what an amazingly depressing weekend this has been.

On Friday I decided to call it a day and throw in the towel to my part time Wal-Mart job. It is just much too depressing. Yes there were 400 applicants and I was one of the lucky 40 to get a job in this god forsaken jobless economic climate - but it is compromising my happiness and my standard of living way too much. It has me so depressed that it has even become the cause of turbulence in my private life by becoming the root of many arguments in my relationship.

It has been nice having money in the bank, but it came to the stage where it just wasn't even worth the money anymore. I have 2 weeks left to work there now. I have not quit completely, rather changed my status to 'seasonal worker' so that if my plan fails me and I need work again, I still a foot in the door there to fall back in on.

So, this Saturday, I had another job back at what I consider my 'real job', working as a sound technician for a local theatre. Working in Wal-Mart has really encouraged me to hold on to that opportunity and make the most of it as a career possibility. However, I consider myself and in-experienced apprentice at that job still. I have a lot to learn about working in a theatre environment and I am really not confident enough yet to be left to my own devices with professional clients.

This is what made Saturday night HELL. This is supposed to be the job I LIKE, this is supposed to be the job I WANT. Instead, Saturday night made me so embarrassed and humiliated and un-confident that I feel like I want to turn my back on my entire sound/music career which I have studied my way into for this last 5 years. :'(

It all started when I arrived at work only to find only one of my two bosses working. Usually one boss is in charge of lighting for the show, the other is in charge of sound... this leaves me as the assistant to both their needs. I like this because I get to watch them work with bands and theatre companies and learn a lot.

This time however, my Lighting boss threw me completely in the deep end and made me in charge of the entire sound for the whole show. My heart sank but I kinda thought in the back of my mind that it will all pan out fine and things will work out. I kept telling myself to not panic, be confident, and that it'll end up revealing itself as something I will feel silly for ever having worried about. Boy was I wrong.

I bashfully Mic'd the band up on stage, doing what I 'presumed' was what was expected, not having the guidance of my peers to point me in the right direction. That part went pretty much fine. Then, I kind of lingered around, pretending to set up odds and ends hoping my boss was going to come along and do their sound check for them.

Eventually, that turned out to never happen and I soon found myself behind the main auditorium sound desk, feeling quite nervous and intimidated behind the helm of control equipment while the band on stage looked up at me at the back of the hall, waiting for an indication on sound checking.

I felt very vulnerable and helpless back there by myself. I tried to calm myself and not over think it and reassured myself that this would be fine, I can do this, I am trained to do this, I should be able to handle all of this. I know that the more confident I could act, the better job I would do, but it was hopeless - I didn't have the attitude in me that was necessary.

I timidly asked the drummer to begin hitting each drum as I adjusted and tweaked the sound of each part of his kit. It sounded HORRIBLE. I have no idea if his kit was just badly tuned or if the room sounded that bad, but it was very difficult to get a good sound from it.

Then I began over thinking. The band all stared up at me as I sound checked each of his drums. I began to think, "SHIT SHIT SHIT, I'm taking too long at this, I bet they're thinking I don't know what I'm doing". Because of this, I couldn't concentrate. The sea of knobs and controls which normally make sense to me in my calm state suddenly appeared as an overwhelming intake of information that sent my mind into a spiralling fluster.

I left the drum kit with a passable, but very poor sound. On to the guitars, I asked each guitarist to play a bit and adjusted each sound. Without my boss there to confirm if I had a usable sound, I presumed it sounded fine to me.

At this stage I just panicked and thought to myself, "Fuck it, I'll get them to run through a song and while they do that, I'll set the levels for everything else like vocals and keys"

So I announced they should run over a song. Then the lady on keyboards shook her head with her hands on the side of her face as though to say 'Oh lord, this is a mess'. She interrupted "Look, can I soundcheck my keyboard please?".

"Oh eh, yea of course, go ahead" I announced sounding totally ignorant and unprofessional as though I'd forgot about them.

The keyboard was a cheap, terrible sounding instrument with terrible preset sounds. She complained instantly "No, that sounds horrible! More low end, more high end!" etc etc.

To me, it wasn't going to sound much better. The first major humiliating event then happened when she shouted to another guy with the band "Look, will you go up and sort my sound out please, he can't do it". That was shouted out right in front of me. Instantly I was undermined and looking totally incapable.

The guy who came up seemed like a nice enough guy, certainly more experienced than I am. He whispered to me 'Don't listen to her, thats why I said I was busy later and can't do the sound for them tonight'. He pretended to fiddle a control and said 'There ya go!'. 'Much better!' she announced.

The infuriating part for me, was I had not yet turned on the musicians monitors to allow them to hear themselves. On stage, they are behind the Front Of House speakers and can not hear what the audience and myself can hear.

The guy then went back to the drums and more calmly he went around each drum, taking a little more time at them and just generally making slight adjustments to the settings I made to improve on them. "Don't panic" he assured me, "It'll get there in the end".

See, this is the confidence I need!

Then another guy they knew stood half way up the hall between us at the back, and the band at the front. He paced back and forth, resting his jaw in one hand. "No, no that sounds terrible" he would proclaim. "No, there is a... what could you say.... tube like sound of that". Then "THERE! Keep that there, that ones a better sound, what did you do there?". "Nothing, I haven't touched it yet" the other guy would answer.

It was a mixture of the band being very poor, myself being inexperienced and my total lack of confidence and attitude that lead to such a disaster of sound.

More problems ensued as I mixed their monitors for them to hear themselves.

Anyways, on the night, despite having that guys help with sound check, the problems continued. The main singer asked me to keep his voice very low in the mix and make the music slightly louder than the singing. He also wanted lots of reverb and echo. This basically meant you couldn't hear what the guy was singing very well at all. Well, you could hear singing, but words were inaudible. Not having confidence to do what I thought was best, I thought I'd please the client and do what he asked.

At half time break, the lady running reception approached me to say there is a lot of complaints from the public. 'Oh god', I instantly thought. I didn't need this. 'They can't hear the singing', 'Theres gonna be a lot of complaints about this', 'they say the music is too loud'. Then my lighting boss came over and turned the main volume UP saying the singer thought it wasn't loud enough!

On the next half, I turned the vocals up nice and loud, and clear. The music I actually brought down slightly.

This still made them sound rubbish because they had NO mic technique at all. Mic Technique is basically when you sing something loud, you back away from the mic a bit, when saying lower things, press up against the mic more.

I had this guys vocals up loud and he would mumble words two feet back from the mic so you couldn't hear him, so I'd turn him up. Then he'd ROAR into the mic at point blank range cause the volume to knock the socks off the audience.

The final straw was when the singer and the lead guitarist started turning their amps up louder and louder, and the keyboard player turned her amp up louder and louder. Eventually, I had them all turned down FULLY on my end and it was still wayyyy too loud because of what they had done to the sound at their end.

TOTAL DISASTER.

After the show, there was an air of unhappiness in both staff and public, and the tension between myself and the band was thick. I felt like just crying and giving up. I threw my headphones off and cowered behind my sound desk with my head in my hands. Of course, by again loosing my cool like this I forgot to jump into action with all after show jobs needing to be done. Suddenly some member of staff told me my boss was shouting for me to answer him. I suddenly realised I had thrown my headphones off. I put them back on again to hear "HELLOOOO! FUCKING WAKE UP WHERE ARE YOU!?". Great, now I've also pissed my boss off.

I ran onto the stage to begin packing everything up. My boss came down and helped me. After about 20 minutes of silence he half whispered to me "Hey, you are being very quiet". I grunted.

As I stepped around the band members, gathering up equipment around then, not one of them said anything to me. I felt awful. Even though I know it was probably mostly their fault, I didn't and still don't have the confidence in myself to admit that and I feel I was totally to blame.

The lady on the keyboard never showed up from backstage and had other members pack up for her. I presumed because she was so livid with me, thinking it was all my fault.

Eventually, the singer approached me. Surprisingly he hadn't been hard to work with as he seemed the most technically ignorant out of them all, himself seeming quite unconfident in what they were doing. So he hadn't been as intimidating as others who had been there.

"So, what did you think?" He said, neither smiling nor frowning - making it hard to read his sentiments behind such a statement.

"Oh, umm, yea, yea it was good man, thanks!", I said, for some reason. I think I was trying to not seem pissed off incase it seemed rude or something. I'm not sure. Really, I was absolutely furious at several things... them, me, my boss, my life, ARGH!

"Well, what would you change" he asked.

"Errrr, uumm, aaah", I stumbled. This question made me reaaaally uncomfortable as I was literally shaking with such rage and mixed emotions that my mind battled whether to take a risk and go off on a rant that couldn't help but to stink of anger and frustration, or just avoid a highly potential, socially awkward situation and say "Oh, nothing".

"Come on, constructive criticism" he encouraged me.

"Well, one thing you might want to keep in mind, something I myself find it hard not to do... don't turn up your amps throughout performance, it means I loose control of sound"....

"And... perhaps you might want to think less about keeping the singing low in the mix because to be honest, the people seem to enjoy hearing lyrics they can sing along to so they complain when they can't hear it', I furthered...

"Oh and just another little detail, in between songs, you announced over the main speakers for me to give you more reverb and that you sounded much too dry.... that was only because I turned your reverb off while you spoke between songs"... I concluded.

He nodded, still neither smiling or sulking. His indifferent facial expression troubled me. I wondered had I went too far or said something too unkindly, giving away my current, strong, inner feelings on the situation.

"Ok, well... good to know, yea, ... ok". He seemed a little disheartened. I guess it was perhaps an anticlimax for him after the adrenaline run of a big show, still dripping with sweat and for me to be so honest. But I really didn't tell him half of what could be done better.

Again, my lack of a thick skin and confidence failed me as I felt bad for now having said this all to him.

My boss who was on lights tried to assure me by saying statements like, "Its not your fault, you can't polish a turd". Which gave me a glimmer of hope, but then also said things like "You'll be fine, go home and pour yourself a big drink, we have all had disastrous nights like this in our careers" ... which I over analysed into ... "See, he said this was a disaster, this is a night I turned into a disaster". I even had to tell him that I almost felt like apologising to him. He said that my sound Boss who wasn't there, had done sound for them already and said 'They are a bar band, they aren't professional enough for these venues'. The band said they will be back next year. I think February. I hope I am not there again :(

As well as the obvious. There are several reasons why I feel like crying ever since that night. Its not Monday and I still carry a strong lump in my throat and and flutter in my chest as I cringe in retrospect each time I mull it over my head.

The bad Wal-Mart experience gave me encouragement to make a go at my sound career. I really wanted to catch that bull by the horns and try to be my best at it. I really wanted to show my boss, and all the staff at the theatre that I am someone who is up to that job. I wanted to prove myself and show that I can do it. Instead, I feel like I have shown myself up as someone who is the opposite of all that.

Whether my boss really believes it or not that it was entirely the bands fault, I am not sure - but the other members of staff who know nothing about the technical work in the theatre probably, like the audience that night, are talking about me behind closed doors.

In my last post I discussed my plan. My get out of jail card. My way to make a go of doing what I want to do in this life. This is a plan I've been working at for years. Its what I worked my way through a relevant HND and a Degree for. And now, after Saturday night, I feel like I am not up to the challenge, I am neither confident enough or experienced enough for it all. It makes me feel like turning my back on the whole business and that leaves me completely lost in life. Back to not being good at anything and having a directionless life with no goals and aims. I need goals and aims in life to keep me going and keep my mind working on something. It feels like its all crumbling.

Sure, I am a neurotic guy. It seems that this is just me over thinking it all again... but realistically, I do believe this event and how I am even handling the aftermath, raises plenty of questions. If I was the right minded person for the job, even if it was the disaster that it actually was, I'd be dealing with the aftermath better. I'd be thinking 'Well, not my fault".

Instead even though my plan relies on me continuing to work there and keep my foot in the door in that place, I feel like turning down any hours I ever get offered in it. I feel like running away from a repeat situation.

All I can think is, this was bad, this was one of the most majorly humiliating, and embarrassing events of my life. Confidence blowing. Self esteem wrecking. If it is THAT BAD, what on earth is going to happen to me if the next job I accept there turns out THE EXACT SAME!

I am terrified now. Terrified, depressed, embarrassed, humiliated.

I have so many emotions on full blow since Saturday, that it has been really messing my mind up. I keep thinking to myself 'What the hell is it that I am feeling here?! What is this overwhelmingly odd sensation lingering around me constantly?!'. Its as though there is so much going on in my head right now I am becoming confused. I actually started to think I was coming down with something like the flu or the cold. However, I think its just that I haven't slept much since this and I am exhausted and my muscles and limbs are only aching because I've been so tense.

Of course, this all happened as I handed in my Asda/Wal-Mart leaving notice. So now I am thinking to myself, 'Ok so now am I not up to going on with my plan? Should I have left?! Was that a terrible idea?". I haven't told anyone I left yet simply because this has made me wonder what the hell I am doing.

********** ICING ON THE CAKE !!!!!!!! ***********

Because I was working in the theatre that Saturday, I was unable to attend the Asda/Wal-Mart Christmas staff party. Of course, that was the LAST place in the world I'd ever want to be. Even if I wasn't working, I'd not have attended.

However, because I was so visible distressed and pissed off or whatever after that disaster of a night, my boss said I could go home early during the packing up at 11.30pm. I got a taxi straight to the party, which was being held in a nearby hotel with the main intention of getting myself a very large drink.

My girlfriend was at the party and had begged me to go several million times. I refused profusely each time. I knew she'd also be delighted if I showed up.

And delighted she was!

A major problem in our relationship is that although we are both social drinkers - she has a problem in relationships in that if she gets much too drunk, she becomes very aggressive and violent only to her boyfriend. Obviously, this has been one of the major stigmas of our relationship and over the years it has caused me to develop an irritating fear of her getting way too wasted. Due to this, I always monitor her alcohol consumption, and she has woke up many mornings feeling terrible with herself and made enough really embarrassing drunken social scenes that she has become better and not getting that drunk.

I warned her several gazillion times to not get that wasted again at the party, even though I wouldn't be there, because I don't even want her coming home like that. When I got there she was fairly drunk, but nothing too bad. I started drinking quite fast considering the hellish night I'd just had. However, being a party and all, many, many wasted people began pushing shots and all sorts of drinks into her hand.

Long story short, she got completely hammered and started being really aggressive towards me and calling me all the names of the day, telling me who all she thought was hot to make me jealous, etc etc.

I can't tell you how not in the mood I was for that bullshit. I called a taxi straight away and basically carried her into it. The best thing to happen was for her to pass out and sleep the rest of the night to put an end to the oh so predictable bullshit I've had to endure from her over the years when she gets in such a state.

It doesn't really matter to me anymore how much she has worked on it all and how less it happens now - it still happens and its too much after 4 years.

It has just added a whole other dimension of bullshit to my current mood.

WORST WEEKEND EVER.

I have no idea how on earth I am going to pull myself out of this current state of mind, and how long it will take for me to feel normal again.

RANT OVER.