I am a moderately neurotic individual; I worry, I stress and I generally spend a lot of my procrastination over-anaylizing seemingly irrelevant aspects of my life that I can blow out of proportion to become unnecessary obstacles in my pursuit to happiness and wellbeing.
I find, that I often loose grip of who I think I am, again, this is probably a direct result of over-analyses of my thoughts and actions, and probably a leading factor into writing this blog as a way to write out my thoughts and untangle this ball of muddled up feelings and opinions floating around in the abyss of my brain. What I am trying to say here (I think), is that I probably perform some kind of amateur psychology on myself to the extent that I am confused as to the truth behind what my opinion of myself is.
Being in a turbulent relationship, I often become confronted, in the heat of an argument, with my beloved girlfriend convincing me I am bullshitting her. 'That is rubbish and you know it" she would say, "Don't try to tell me thats how you feel because I don't believe it for one second". This will result in me convincing her that I stand by my opinion, my stubbornness not giving in to defeat. I summons all my most fiendish debating techniques to win the day, to come out as victor and to highlight just exactly how much I am being honest and just how wrong she is that I am bullshitting about whatever supposed flaw of my personality is in question.
Of course, as the blood switches from boil to a slow simmer, and we have went our separate ways to cool off; I find myself sitting by myself thinking of all those golden lines I could have said, and eventually, questioning my own argument. "Yea, wait a sec... was she right? Actually, wasn't I in the wrong and knew it, have I allowed my stubbornness and eagerness to prove her wrong actually inadvertently convince me she is wrong too!?"
This is a very hard concept to follow so the above paragraph may have made little to no sense. One thing is for sure, It certainly sounds to me like the rantings of a schizophrenic lunatic. And this may be what this blog takes the form off. Perhaps I should have called it "The Insane Musings of A Confused Schizophrenic"?
Well, that is why I have decided to write this blog. A means for me to read over my own train of thought, having it all laid out in front of me in a clear easy to understand format that even a dimwit like myself should be able to understand. Thats the theory, instead I am sure it will just become similar to the hoards of irrelevant, sanctimonious blogs of pretension that engulfs the online blogging universe.
I guess, to simplify things, I sometimes become confused as to if I am indeed correct about all those things I start out so surely about. Im a two sided coin perhaps. I could describe myself as a fairly confident, outgoing person - sure and ready to back up any of my opinions on anything. On the other hand, I could think about other aspects of my life, and describe myself as having a self esteem, and self confidence that has withered itself away in recent years to the point that I think of myself as an absolute nonentity. Maybe my brain is a microclimate that changes spontaneously. Depending on my fragile mood I can one minute decide I want to be confident, then the next minute dwell on growing negativities of my life and retreat into a shell of self pity before kicking myself in the ass to not become one of the angst ridden youth that has taken on some sort of fashionability in today's society.
Theres another two sided coin for you, I hate those who outspokenly wallow in fabricated self pity - while I find myself writing a blog about how many things piss me off and irritate me.
Yea, see, am I now convincing myself that this blog is somehow going to be more than just another bitch and rant forum like every other individual on here who has no one else to listen to them as they struggle to come to terms with the meaninglessness of their life?
This is all getting very emo, yikes. I'll come back soon when the next specific topic troubling my feeble mind pops up. Until then...
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