I'm not an alcoholic, but as someone recently pointed out to me, there is a difference between substance addiction and substance abuse. I definitely suffer from substance abuse when it comes to alcohol! It's probably more to do with the frequency than the quantity.
I see a lot of people who go out once a week and I would never drink the amount of shit they do. They be all firing shots of all kinds into them between pints of beer. I tend to just stick to Guinness when I'm in a bar - or wine if I am eating. I never touch shots anymore, haven't done for years. However, I will drink 6 - 8 pints when I am out! And I tend to drink Friday - Sunday, then usually get bored midweek and drink on a Wednesday too. Then I realise all I really leave out is a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Not good.
After a weekend, my body and mind feels ravaged. Sickly, exhausted and tired, depressed, anxious, unsettled. It can't be good.
Despite saying it's more about the frequency than quantity - every once and a while I slip up and just get too wasted and have a horrible night that I can't remember and the parts I do remember I wish I never.
Last night would be one of those nights. I'm not sure how it happened - I feel like it was much more drinking than normal but I wound up completely wasted. Sitting in the bar from 9:30pm to 1:30am and in a good drinking mood - I guess I was firing the Guinness into me quicker than usual. Then the Bar owner who is a friend gave me a shot of something random. Yea, I don't do shot's. I shouldn't.
I vaguely recall leaving the bar. The barmen had phoned me a cab and I got in. That's about all I remember. I cringe now thinking about the possibility that I fell asleep. I don't even remember paying the guy.
It gets worse. The only memory I have is being sick in the bathroom, and missing the toilet. Classy. I cleaned it up, probably because it sobered me up, and then went to bed. What I didn't realise was that I'd left a pizza in the oven. Don't remember doing that at all. Luckily I'd done something wrong and the oven hadn't turned on. Thank god. Imagine how that one could have ended. Yikes.
Then the next day I found a half drank can of Guinness in the living room next to a bowl of have eaten stew, sitting out in the middle of the floor for everyone to see in the morning and think "What the hell was he up to last night in here?!".
I also found my hat this morning. Completely soaked. I wasn't out in the rain so I have no idea what the hell happened to it. Fell down the toilet perhaps? Lovely.
I have the FEAR. There is no other word to describe it - caught in this vulnerable state, at a time where you feel pathetic, disgusted, worried... sick. It really is one of those nights you think "I'M NEVER GETTING THAT DRUNK AGAIN!". But it'll happen again. I try hard to not have nights like that. I think they only happen once in a blue moon nowadays. I try to drink more sensibly, if not still too regularly. I see so many people in the bars I go to get into the state I was in last night and wonder how regularly they get into that shape. It can't be good for anyone.
I wish I remembered.
All I want to do now is have a good long drink-free week and then at the weekend just take it easy and only have a few beers. But that's just not going to happen. I have plans to go out to dinner with another couple tomorrow night. They're a nice older couple we know. They sure can drink a lot though. I must avoid drinking as much as they do. At the restaurant I'll try not drinking at all and then just having a few beers at the bar after with them. Then there's another thing I promised someone I'd go to on Saturday at the bar. This is all highly unnecessary right about now.
I'm really tired - but I can't sleep because my mind is racing. God - everytime I think about the taxi I cringe. I probably fell asleep or talked rubbish to him the whole way. Ugh!
Fuck this!!!!
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